I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
