just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
