I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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