there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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