He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
