I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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