omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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