I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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