I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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