i already hear my dad disowning me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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