there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
