After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
