I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
