is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
