where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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