News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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