I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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