his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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