Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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