you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
