I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
