Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
