Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
