hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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