The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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