when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
