I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
