My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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