Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
