I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
