you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
