my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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