okay pat passed out under dana's car
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize