I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
