I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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