im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
