My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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