I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
