So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
