You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
