Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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