i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
