I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
