She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
