Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
