She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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