Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
