My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
