Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
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