I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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