Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I touched a dick in church today
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
