I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
