I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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