Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He has the fingertips of a God
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
