after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
