Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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