there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
