I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
