you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
