You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
