eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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