My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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