Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
