A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
