so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
