if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
