i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
