Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
